Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

I refuse to admit that I am more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.

The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman is that one of them must be good at taking orders.

There is a new billboard outside Times Square. It keeps an up-to-the-minute count of gun-related crimes in New York. Some goofball is going to shoot someone just to see the numbers move.

Bad artists always admire each others' work.

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."

"Happiness is good health and a bad memory."

"The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people."

"If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me."

Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.

You're not too bright. I like that in a man.

I don't want the cheese, I just want out of the trap.

Advertising isn't a science. It's persuasion. And persuasion is an art.

The majority of business men are not capable of an original thought, simply because they cannot escape the tyranny of reason.

Extreme remedies are very appropriate for extreme diseases.

Who can refute a sneer?

One kind kiss before we part, Drop a tear and bid adieu; Though we sever, my fond heart Till we meet shall pant for you.

Good bye, proud world! I'm going home; Thou art not my friend, and I'm not thine.

Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.

There is no mistake; there has been no mistake; and there shall be no mistake.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

Truth is not determined by majority vote.

A teacher is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary.

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?.

They come to see; they come that they themselves may be seen.

The wise man wouldn't walk when he can take the subway.

Every man is like the company he is wont to keep.

Who are a little wise the best fools be.

The remedy is worse than the disease.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

Who can refute a sneer?

Good bye, proud world! I'm going home; Thou art not my friend, and I'm not thine.

Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.

There is no mistake; there has been no mistake; and there shall be no mistake.

Labour to keep alive in your breast that little spark of celestial fire,-- conscience.

Thus hand in hand through life we 'll go; Its checker'd paths of joy and woe With cautious steps we 'll tread.

Libertas et natale solum: fine words! I wonder where you stole 'em.

Who are a little wise the best fools be.

The remedy is worse than the disease.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

A little more than kin, and less than kind.

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."

When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity.

I'm a scientist; nothing shocks me.

I can't take a well-tanned person seriously.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.

There is no great concurrence between learning and wisdom.

Health food makes me sick.

"The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

It is human nature to think wisely and act foolishly.

If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing.

"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right."

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

The ark was built by amateurs, and the Titanic by the experts. Don't wait for the experts.

Hard work beats all the tonics and vitamins in the world.

If you have a skeleton in your closet, take it out and dance with it.

There is no such thing as time that doesn't count.

One never realizes how much and how little he knows until he starts talking.

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

If you want an accounting of your worth, count on your friends.

The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small small stones.

Show me a thoroughly satisfied man--and I will show you a failure.

The things we fear most in organizations--fluctuations, disturbances, imbalances--are the primary sources of creativity.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

I am becoming convinced that anybody who gives anybody else any advice ought to spend forty days in the desert both before and after.

Action is the only answer to conquer fear.

Knowing is not enough; we must act. Willing is not enough; we must do.

"Mine! Mine! It's all mine!"

"The only sure thing about luck is that it will change."

"....I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself."

"Never pray for justice, because you might get some."

"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."

"Nobody got anywhere in the world by simply being content."

"Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training."

"It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question."

"We will either find a way or make one."

"Education is the best provision for old age."

"All things change, nothing perishes."

To make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.

No, no, you're not thinking; you're just being logical.

Truth is not determined by majority vote.

A teacher is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary.

Change is inevitable - except from a vending machine.

Until the lions have their historians, tales of the hunt shall always glorify the hunter.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?.

It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out.

They come to see; they come that they themselves may be seen.

Every man is like the company he is wont to keep.

Extreme remedies are very appropriate for extreme diseases.

Happiness is a warm kitten.

Who can refute a sneer?

One kind kiss before we part, Drop a tear and bid adieu; Though we sever, my fond heart Till we meet shall pant for you.

Good bye, proud world! I'm going home; Thou art not my friend, and I'm not thine.

Fools are my theme, let satire be my song.

There is nothing so powerful as truth,--and often nothing so strange.

There is no mistake; there has been no mistake; and there shall be no mistake.

Thus hand in hand through life we 'll go; Its checker'd paths of joy and woe With cautious steps we 'll tread.

Libertas et natale solum: fine words! I wonder where you stole 'em.

Who are a little wise the best fools be.

The remedy is worse than the disease.

I think the monkeys at the zoo should have to wear sunglasses so they can't hypnotize you.

A little more than kin, and less than kind.

"If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there."

"Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving in words evidence of the fact."

If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

"If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough."

When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity.

I'm a scientist; nothing shocks me.

If my film makes one more person miserable, I've done my job.

"If you torture data long enough, it will tell you anything you want !"

I can't take a well-tanned person seriously.

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

Life is a zoo in a jungle.

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can.

There is no great concurrence between learning and wisdom.

Health food makes me sick.

The only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.

"The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!"

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Exercise is bunk. If you are healthy, you don't need it; if you are sick, you shouldn't take it.

It is human nature to think wisely and act foolishly.

"Imitation is the sincerest form of television."

"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right."

Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.

"If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there."

"Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving in words evidence of the fact."

The ark was built by amateurs, and the Titanic by the experts. Don't wait for the experts.

Hard work beats all the tonics and vitamins in the world.

If you have a skeleton in your closet, take it out and dance with it.

There is no such thing as time that doesn't count.

One never realizes how much and how little he knows until he starts talking.

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

If you want an accounting of your worth, count on your friends.

The man who removes a mountain begins by carrying away small small stones.

Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth you'd probably be able to get a lot of free games.

Show me a thoroughly satisfied man--and I will show you a failure.

The things we fear most in organizations--fluctuations, disturbances, imbalances--are the primary sources of creativity.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

I am becoming convinced that anybody who gives anybody else any advice ought to spend forty days in the desert both before and after.

Nobody can give you wiser advice than yourself.

Action is the only answer to conquer fear.

Knowing is not enough; we must act. Willing is not enough; we must do.

"Mine! Mine! It's all mine!"

"If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would presumably flunk it."

"The only sure thing about luck is that it will change."

"It takes a lot of time being a genius -- you have to sit around so much doing nothing."

"There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self."

"....I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

"There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself."

"Never pray for justice, because you might get some."

"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."

"Nobody got anywhere in the world by simply being content."

"Creative minds have always been known to survive any kind of bad training."

"Immature artists imitate. Mature artists steal."

"It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question."

"We will either find a way or make one."

"Education is the best provision for old age."

"All things change, nothing perishes."

"Nature is a mutable cloud which is always and never the same."

"People will not look forward to posterity who never look backward to their ancestors."

"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice."

"People ask you for criticism, but they only want praise."

"The future ain't what it used to be."

"Keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars."

"Fate keeps on happening."

"I am the eggman, they are the eggmen, I am the walrus GOO GOO GOO JOOB."

"The seaman tells stories of winds, the ploughman of bulls; the soldier details his wounds, the shepherd his sheep."

"The half is greater than the whole."

"The buck stops here."

"Many miles away there's a shadow on the door of a cottage on the Shore of a dark Scottish lake."

"Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can."