There are two rules for success in life. Rule 1: Don't tell people everything you know.
Married People don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
War doesn't determine who's right. Just who's left.
I always have a quotation for everything. It saves original thinking.
You only die once. But for such a long time...
I can resist anything. Except temptation.
I'm not for apathy, and I'm not against it.
To let a fool kiss you is stupid. But to let a kiss fool you is worse.
Remeber, you are unique - just like everyone else.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise MY hand.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-profit organization.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Honk if you love peace and quiet....
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Eschew Obfuscation. (go ahead, look them both up!!)
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an idiot.
All generalizations are false.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
Forget about World Peace. Visualize using your turn signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Forget the Joneses, I keep us up with the Simpsons.
Born free. Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy: Other times I let him sleep.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Montana - at least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt - in case heaven is like the IRS.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
NO car phone - Already stolen.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edukashun.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Two wrongs don't make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
Never knock on Death's door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.
The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
From Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.
A man's only as old as the woman he feels.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wi.
As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointmentwhen you came along.
Whatever it is,... I'm against it.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
Quote me as saying I was misquoted.
said to a contestant on a TV show who had 12 children:
"Why did you have so many children?" --- "I luffa my wife" --- "I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth sometimes."
From Jerry Seinfeld
Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Why is the word "abbreviation" so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top on meant to be thrown away?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
What's with the people who put carpeting on the lid of their toilet seat? What are they thinking -- "Gosh, if we have a party there may not be enough standing room; I'd better carpet the toilet too."
Would somebody please explain to me those signs that say, "No animals allowed except for Seeing Eye Dogs?" Who is that sign for? Is it for the dog, or the blind person?
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."
Can't we just get rid of wine lists? Do we really have to be reminded every time we go out to a nice restaurant that we have no idea what we are doing? Why don't they just
give us a trigonometry quiz with the menu?
Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?
All the king's HORSES and all the king's men? Are you kidding me? No wonder they
couldn't put Humpty together again. Just what did those idiots expect the horses to do, anyway?
Did you ever notice, when you are sitting at a red light, that when the person in front of you pulls up a couple of inches, you are compelled to move up too? Do we really think we are making progress toward our destination? "Whew, I thought we would be late, but now that I am nine inches closer, I can stop for coffee and a Danish!"
Isn't it weird that we drink milk, stuff designed to nourish baby cows? How did THAT happen? Did some cattleman once say, "Oh, man, I can't wait till them calves are done so I can get ME a hit of that stuff."
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. "Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe clippers right here."
UnAnonymous
ADA, n.: Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA awareness."
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd be out of a job.
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me. --Hunter S. Thompson
Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. --Earl Wilson
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your door.
What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him. --John Barrymore's dying words
Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue.
What I tell you three times is true.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. --Ogden Nash
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing. --R. Geis
Everything you know is wrong!
Now is the time for all good men to come to. --Walt Kelly
Mr. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
Hoare's Law of Large Problems: Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program in than some that do. --Dennis M. Ritchie
The Abrams' Principle: The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. --Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent thinkers.
Kin, n.: An affliction of the blood
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
be in owning a piece thereof. --National Lampoon, "Deteriorada"
Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate.
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may revitalize the corner saloon.
Optimization hinders evolution.
Some points to remember [about animals]: 1. Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, hippopotamuses; 2. Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the front of your clothes; 3. Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs you have just kicked. --Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
Bradley's Bromide: If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Egotist, n.: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. --Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. --Robert Heinlein
I wouldn't object to my wife having the last word – if only she'd get to it. ----Henny Youngman
My parents stayed together for forty years, but that was out of spite. ----Woodey Allen
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the ene. -----Anonymous
Why does a woman work for years to change a man's habits, and then complain that he's not the man she married? --- Barbra Streisand
I told someone I was getting married, and they said "Have you picked a date yet? I said, "wow, you can bring a date to your own wedding!" "What a country! " ---Yakov Smirnoff
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, "You're only interested in one thing," and you can't remember what it is. ---Milton Berle
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me! ---Henny Youngman
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
Oxymorons
50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. American history
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works
Computer Quotes
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe Halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key.
Buy a Pentium so that you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
100% File Compression...DEL *.*
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
Why doesn't DOS ever say, "EXCELLENT command or filename!"?
...file not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.
Memory consumed by SENILE.COM
All computers wait at the same speed.
E-mail returned to sender. Insufficient voltage.
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody" -- Bill Gates, 1981
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.